Sunday, April 23, 2006

Journal Jar

I've been having a hard time thinking of things to write about. I found this neat list online with ideas that you put into a "journal jar." Just different things to get the wheels turnin' so you can write something interesting. Since this blog is as close to journaling as I get, I decided when I'm stumped I'll use a journal jar idea and write about it. The one I picked for today is:
What frightens you and why??
Ok, this could be a hard question and a very long blog. I have a lot of fears. I mean, there are the typical ones any mother has- that something will happen to one of her children. Since that makes me literally sick to even think about we'll skip over that one. If you're a mom, you know what fears I am talking about. There's also the fears that concern being without my husband for whatever reason, and now I'm feeling nauseous. Moving on...
As for other fears, I am scared of anything I can't really control. I don't like big, wild animal-type situations. Like, I would never go bike riding up a mountain trail for fear I'd be attacked by a mountain lion. Mountain lions are mean!! You aren't suppose to play dead if they attack you, you're suppose to fight for your life. That scares me!! Same with sharks. I'm not big on hangin' out in dark water where I can't see what's swimming by my legs. I know there is a slim to none chance I'll ever be attacked by a shark or a mountain lion, but why up my chances by hangin out in their environments?? It's kinda funny that I have this fear because I actually lived outdoors, in the mountains, for 2 months when I was 15 at a wilderness survival camp. And when I was out there, even though I could hear wild boars and I saw several and actually skinned a rattlesnake, etc... I was more worried about a wild, lonely mountain man attacking me, which leads me to my next fear.
I'm scared of being attacked by a psycho. You know you watch tv shows like Law and Order: SVU and they have crazy people on their that you're thinking, "There is no way someone is that crazy!!" But then you switch the channel to Court TV and see a documentary about a REAL person that is crazier than the one on SVU! Scary! I'd like to think that I would be the worst person to try to attack. I think of myself as full of spunk and a fighter, but since I've never been in that kind of situation, I can't be positive of how I would react. It would also change things if my kids were with me, ya know? I do my best to stay very aware of my surroundings. I always let my husband know where I am and where I'm going. And I am a HUGE advocate of following your gut. Even if something looks ok, if I feel bad about it I stay away. I don't park by vans. I don't go to unlock my car door if there is someone sitting in the car by mine. I don't walk by people in parking lots- I keep a car or a shopping basket in between me and everyone else. I am constantly looking around. AND- to show I'm borderline paranoid- I've practiced calling 911 or my husband's cell on my cell phone without looking. Very important. I used to practice when Sei was on nite shifts. I slept with my phone under my pillow and I would practice dialing without taking it out from under my pillow. I think it's a good skill.
My last fear is that I'll die. Now, I'm not really concerned about actual death, but I don't want to get a scary disease. That would suck. But that isn't even what concerns me the most. If I die anytime soon I worry about what will happen to my 3 oldest children. Seiuli isn't their biological dad. I am so scared that even though I've written it down that I want my children to stay with Seiuli, I'm scared the state would send them to live with their biological father. That would be horrible. Isabel and Alec have lived with Seiuli longer than they ever lived with my ex. Isabel has been with Sei 3 times as long. Tristan has been with Sei almost 1/2 of his life. Seiuli is their dad. If my children were sent to live with my ex, I fear (and I'm pretty sure) they would never see Seiuli or their 1/2 brother and sister ever again. My ex hates that they love my husband so much. They would no longer be raised LDS- even though he was LDS when we were married. They would be around a lot of stuff that I would never want them around. It scares me so much because I know I don't really have a say in it. Most states are big on biological rights- no matter how little they've been involved or how they have treated their responsibilities as a parent in the past. So, that is a very real fear of mine. If I die, all y'all rally around the courthouse with signs that say, "Love, not blood, makes a parent!" or "Biological smogical!" Here's y'alls chant: "Who cares about DNA? Let the kids stay with Sei!" I'm a dork, I know.
So, those are my fears. I try not to think about them too much and freak myself out, but sometimes I can't help it. Hopefully I won't have to deal with any of them, ever. But, with my luck I will be killed by a mountain lion as I'm running from a psycho....

6 comments:

Gina said...

You are sooo entertaining, as real as those fears are (and I relate) it's just fun to read you explaining them.
I did the journal jar for my mom so she would write stuff down... My dad was always good about journaling, but never my mom and I would enjoy reading these kinda things about her later when I can't talk to her, you know?
Great post, great idea!

Robin said...

Journal Jar sounds like agreat idea for my blank brain days. Like Gina said, it is so great to feel of your great sense of humor even when you are talking about really serious terrifying stuff. I think I will have to practice my sightless dialing. Although this weekend when Trent was gone I was too tired to even be scared or hear imagined noises like I usually do when he's gone.

Tori :) said...

Gina- Thanks! I'm glad you enjoy reading it. Thanks for suggesting I start a blog. I think it's better when people that know me read it because then you are able to know how I would be saying the things I write. (And I don't seem quite as crazy...)

Tori :) said...

Robin - I know how you feel about being tired. There were some nites that I would think before I fell asleep "Well, if someone does try to attack me atleast I'll sleep thru it..."

Nettie said...

Just so you know, even though I don't know you personally, I don't think you're crazy! And may all the psychos and mountain lions leave you alone!

Tori :) said...

Thanks Nettie! That's a relief. :)