Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Last nite

Something happened last nite that I think has changed me forever. It happened down the street from me. Those living in Utah probably heard about it on the news last nite and this morning. About 8pm we saw police cars pull up in front of our house. We saw a police man get out his shotgun and walk down the street instructing people to go in their homes. About 20 minutes later we saw an ambulance leave. 1/2 an hour passed and the cops slowly started to leave. We found out from a neighbor that a woman had been shot in her back by her live-in boyfriend as she and her 2 boys tried to run from him. The 2 boys (age 8 and 11) are friends of my children. They come up a few times a week to play flag football in the front yard. The oldest son is in Tristan's class at school and he is the one who called 911, hysterical, saying his mom had been shot. My heart is just breaking for these boys. I have seriously been crying since last nite. Everytime I picture these kids running for their lives, seeing their mom shot by a man who I've seen outside playing with them...

Oh it makes me so sick. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I feel guilty. Why? Because these boys aren't from the best family setting (obviously) so I wasn't thrilled when they were the only kids coming to play with my kids. Sei and I let them play though, but instructed our children not to go to their home. I feel horrible for feeling a little bugged that of all the kids in the neighborhood "those boys" were the ones playing with my kids. They showed up everytime my kids went out in the front yard- like they were waiting for them. They probably were. Maybe they liked to leave their home because they felt safe here. Man, I suck.

I feel scared. I mean, we live in a safe neighborhood and a murder happened a few house away from us. Our city ranks 38th on CNN "Best Places to Live" list. If it can happen here, it can happen anywhere. (That was made obvious by the shootings in the Amish school.)

I'm pissed. I don't want my kids to actually know someone who was murdered. I don't want my kids to know that people murder people they supposely love. I don't want my kids to know that moms die. I mean, I know these are all facts of life, but to have it hit so close to home. I want to go visit that man or write him a letter telling him thank you so much for making my 7 year old daughter so scared she wouldn't sleep in her room last nite. Freakin' loser.

I feel so much pressure. I feel like I need to teach my kids everything, right now, because life is short. I don't know when I'm going to die. It could be tonite. I want them to know how much I love them. I want them to know how important the gospel is to me. I want them to know that it really wasn't a big deal that they got all their shoes soaking wet and muddy yesterday. I'm sorry I yelled at them.

Ugh. I am so upset right now. This just totally woke me up. I need to be less judgemental. I need to realize that getting dirty is ok- they were entertained for hours and playing without fighting!! I need to quit whining. I need to be more patient. I need to be a better mom, wife and person in general. I wonder if the mom killed last nite ever had all these same thoughts I'm having? She doesn't get a chance to fix her imperfections. I do. I vow to do better. Everyday I will improve myself. I'm so sad it took this tragedy to make me feel this way.

13 comments:

Abbie said...

I find myself being more judgmental than I'd like to be too. Thanks for this post, it really helped me. Everything will feel better as time goes by, but it's good that you wrote this down, so you remember to improve. (And so others will think about improving themselves too).

s--max said...

I know I can't say anything to make it easier, only time can do that. But you are a GREAT mom, wife, friend, & person in general. Your kids know how much you love them & so do your family & friends. You are raising your children & teaching them in a manner that works for you & them. They shouldn't have to be exposed to stuff like this at such a young age. Unfortunately, this loser who obviously had some serious issues, has forced you to try to explain some evil of the world. I know that God will help you find the words to comfort your children & assure them that they don't have to feel scared. & Don't feel guilty for the initial feelings you had about the other children. As parents, we want our kids to be able to hang w/other kids who have similar lifestyles & upbringings. You shouldn't feel bad for that. To me, that's a trait of a loving parent; not judgemental. If anything, take comfort in the fact that when those kids were playing w/your's, they had a sense of normalcy & joy & will hold those memories precious as they go through this difficult time in their lives. It will get better.

Gina said...

Oh Tori, we were glued to the tv last night! I am so sorry this happened so close to you, too close! What an ordeal to deal with when you don't have kids to explain it to. Thank goodness your sweeties have a mom and dad that WILL explain and comfort and listen.

BIG hugs to you, Tori! Best wishes in your new endeavors to be a more awesome mom!

Katie said...

Tori, that is horrible. Things like this make me want to put my kids in a bubble and never leave the house. It's amazing how easily we lose our perspective, and how awful we feel when it comes back in a situation like this. I'll try to be a better mom with you, too.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

If nothing else, I learned from your post that children are CHILDREN, and just because they aren't from the most ideal families doesn't mean they're not just like my kids (minus a few details like the gospel, a dad...)

There but for the grace of God, any of us could have grown up in the same situation these little boys are in. I wish I could hug them. Thank you for pointing out that we are not to judge.

I hope your peace of mind and sense of safety are restored soon, and that of your little girl's. ((HUGS))

Mel said...

This story makes me sick to my stomach. It kind of put things in perspective, doesn't it!

AzĂșcar said...

This story just made me incredibly sad. I feel so sorry for the kids, and my heart breaks for their mom who loved them and won't be there to raise them. It gives you some perspective as well.

When I read that they'd had problems with domestic violence before it made me kind of angry--probably because I think I would be different, that I would take my kids and leave the first time--but who am I to judge?

Those kids didn't deserve it, and neither do his kids from his previous marriage who have to deal with their dad in prison. Our actions have consequences beyond our immediate selves. So selfish and awful to ruin countless lives through ridiculous behavior.

I heard that their dad came to get them and that he'll be a good parent, I hope it's true. Those poor children.

For your kids, it's a hard lesson to learn, but we can't keep them insulated forever. It's worth learning that violence has consequences, it's not something from a cartoon or movie that has no ramifications...
It just sucks that we can't be the ones to control how much they learn and when, that so much of our parenting has to be reactionary.

Tori :) said...

From what I've heard, their dad is a good guy. He came to Tristan's class today to explain what happened and thank them for being Dakota's friend. He also videotaped messages from the class for his son.

Emily said...

I don't usually read your blog and today when I did I almost cried.

Robin said...

I read this a couple days ago. i wasn't sure what to say, it just got me thinking how we can't protect our children from so much. All we can do is explain things to them and tell them how we want them to treat others.

jenica said...

what a small world girl. this couple lived in my ward and moved up there shortly before we moved in. everyone in my ward was greatly effected by this. i'm so sorry.

S said...

Yea Ditto ditto ditto, I feel the same way. I want to go to jail and beat his ever hatin a$$.

Methodical wormer said...

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective on this. Hopefully it will help everyone else reading this be better too.