Sunday, November 05, 2006

Lurking in the shadows...

Ya know the song "Wind Beneath My Wings"? Ok, well there's a line that goes "It must have been cold there in my shadow. To never have sunlite on your face." Ok, I feel like that sometimes. I am married to THE MOST talented man on the face of this earth ever to have been married to me. He can play the piano, by ear, so well that he made a cd and people are actually buying it. He can surf. He can sing. He can play any sport. He can talk to anyone. He can stay in shape without doing anything. He sees the good in everyone (which would explain why he married his 1st wife. He saw any tiny bit of good that there was to see.) I mean, the man even has beautiful handwriting. Anyway- I am so proud of my hubby. I am the 1st to brag on him. I encouraged him to make his cd. I love that he can talk to people, because I can't. But man! Sometimes I just wanna say, "God, could you maybe break me off a little somethin' somethin'??" I know I have talents. I KNOW I do. I have to because I know God gave us all talents. But if I was asked to be in a talent show, I couldn't be. What would I do? Show them my system for what I like to call "Creative Bill Paying"?? or perhaps, "Movie Quotes While Making Dinner"?
I don't know. I've kinda been down in the dumps since moving. In our last neighborhood I knew everyone and they knew me. I knew them well enough to have a conversation with anyone. They knew me well enough to get my jokes. (I AM funny, but very sarcastic and maybe a little offensive to some.) People talked about "Tori" - not just "Seiuli's wife." Well, now it's back to being "Seiuli's wife." (Why people can remember the name SEIULI and not Tori is beyond me!??) I hold that title with pride, but I am more than that. I think. I feel like I've lost myself a little. Is it bad to be a little jealous of my husband? He's starting a new business and I am so proud of him and I love him so much for working so hard. But is it bad to think "I want a little credit for all the hours I'm at home with the kids while you're getting this business going." It probably is bad. I'm a little bitter and that isn't good. When he started working towards starting this business, his dream, it was 18 months ago and I was suppose to be very involved in it. Now, I'm not involved at all unless I forcefully involve myself. And now that
the business is taking off (We got our 1st kid last nite, another today and another tomorrow!!) I feel like it's this whole other life he has that has nothing to do with me. I don't have another life that doesn't involve him. My whole life is our family and home. That's what I do 24-7. Being a wife and mom was always my goal in life but when I hear myself telling Sei, "Guess who was on The Wiggles today?! Barry Williams from The Brady Bunch!!" I know that I need help. I feel like everyone is doing things that they enjoy and improving/increasing their talents, except for me. I know that in a few years the kids will be older and I will be able to learn, practice and enjoy new things, but by that time I'll be trying to learn to snowboard and fall and break a hip. I've been having babies since I was 19. (Holy crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????? What was I thinking??!??!?!?!?) I didn't do the whole fun college thing. I feel like I have all this pint up inside of me and I won't be able to do anything about it for like 15 years. I'm gonna be one of those 50 year olds that people are looking at going, "She really needs to act her age..." And when I do have time for me, what will I do with it? What will I try? I really need to find something to do for ME- now. Maybe a kickboxing class? Just getting out for a jog with no kids would do wonders, I think. But Taj never wants me to leave him and he throws the tantrums from hell.

Ugh. I hate feeling so... blah. I hate not feeling like myself. I really feel like this whole other person right now because I am really shy, so at church everyone thinks I'm this quiet nerd that hides behind her husband. They probably thinking, "What the heck is he doing with her? She must be rich or something..." Oh- if they only knew ME. I'm a big mouth and can be just as witty as Sei. Why is it so hard for me to let the real me out? It bugs. I seriously must have some kind of social anxiety. Sei and I went to a dinner with people he knows from work and I seriously stuttered and stumbled over my words when I tried to speak. Why? I don't know. I do not like it!!! And everytime I know I'm gonna be around people that don't really know me (like today for instance) I tell myself, "Be funny! Be yourself!! TALK to people!" But I already know it won't happen. I will try to make myself as invisible as possible. Then I'll come home bummed out because I was a big nerd again...
I know. I know. WHAAA-FREAKIN'-WHAAA Tori!! It'll get better. I can't hide forever. My kids can't stay tiny and hanging on my leg forever. I should enjoy it now before they become butthead teenagers. And once I can talk to Sei (if he's ever home again) I will feel better about all that stuff too. I just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading.


Tara said...

Sister, Sister, Sister. I'm sorry you are down. I think it has a lot more to do with you being in a new environment and all the stressful things (good stress or bad stress) that has been going on in your life, than some of the other points you mentioned. And, yes, you are right, it will get better and you will get to know more people, etc., but that doesn't help the present time. SO I am here to tell you that you are beautiful, talented, and not as much of a social retard as you claim to be.:-)Not many people have display-them-in-a-talent-show talents. I wouldn't have the first clue what to do! Atleast you could put on an entertaining and convincing lip sync. :-) You are well-rounded. You are very witty. You are very intelligent. You are a great mom. You are FUN. (Being a fun person to be around, and being able to enjoy life is a talent). You have a freaky ability to remember things. You are loyal. You are athletic. You are sensitive to those around you. You are determined. You are strong. (There are so many pansies around who give up, whine, complain, etc. and you are not one of them). You are a full-package babe - good face (AWESOME eyes), good hair, good bod (5 kids?!? HELLO! I saw a picture of me from Halloween and I looked like Grandma Chudy), good clothes, and all of the above-mentioned things. If you need me to go on, please let me know.

There are so many people who love you. And the new people you associate with will soon come to love you as well. But you need to stop telling yourself that you "are shy" or "can't talk to people" etc. and instead tell yourself that you are the most outgoing, interesting person that everyone is dying to meet. "Everyone wants to be me!" (what movie?) Seriously, try some positive self-talk about 20 times a day and see what a difference it makes. You are NOT allowed to use those negative phrases to define yourself anymore. Say it with me now, "I am beautiful. I am talented. I am outgoing and everyone - EVERYONE - wants to be my friend." I love you, Tori!

Mel said...

Tori, I don't know for sure what it is that attracted me to your blog but I do know that you are strong, witty, fun, and a great mom! I would love to know you better... but well I guess blogging isn't like that.

For me, moving is really hard and it takes about a year before I feel like I fit in. Hang in there!

Amy said...

Heck, I wanna be your friend and I've never even MET you!!! Just keep being you!

These things take a little time!!!

(Adjusting to a move and huge changes with your hubby's carreer)

Gina said...

Tori, sorry you are a little down in the dumps. It's true you are talented and I certainly never thought you were in the shadow of your husband. Moving sucks in more ways than one and I hope the social part of it starts getting better soon.

Have they had you speak in Sacrament Meeting yet? Have you born your testimony? Not that this is always an in to the real you, it's a start for your neighbors to see YOU. Soon enough you'll be feeling like you are part of the neighborhood family.

Good luck! You are awesome! Soon EVERYONE in your part of the-unnamed-city will be wanting to hang out with you!

Robin said...

I think we all lose ourselves a little in the title of mother and wife. It's a big part of who we are, but it's not all we are. It is so hard to find time for the things that make us feel like us. I haven't drawn anything in ages. Find someone cool and go out to lunch with her once in a while- without kids, or have her over for some papa murphy's vegetable pizza-I've been craving it!
You should make little cards that have your name and your blog address, you'd make lots of friends! I know Sei is probably super busy, but try to get him to commit to one night during the week where you can get a couple hours away by yourself. I know it's hard, cause I always feel like if Trent's home then I should be spending time with him, since we don't get tons of quality time, but there's always the weekend right? Sign up for a kickboxing class or join a bookclub or just spend one night a week shopping without kids-you can actually try stuff on or find a book at the library or eat what YOU want to eat. Try to make it happen. And keep blogging and venting, it seems to help. I love you and miss you and I know you'll find someone cool in your ward soon who will see how cool and fun you are, like I did!

Cloudy said...

Sei would never be that super guy without you.

Don't ever forget that. :)

Tori :) said...

Tara - "I AM Juliet!!" and your movie quote was from "Overboard." :) Thanks for the uplifting words. I should have named this post "Fishing for Compliments." :)

Mel- Thanks. I like reading your blog too. It always makes me look on the bright side and stop whining. I should read it more often, eh?

Amy- If I'm ever in Cali... :)

Gina- I miss our old ward! Whaa!! I told Sei I hope we speak in sacrament soon. That way I can let people see the real me. I'm hoping we speak soon... Is that weird???

Robin- Wanna come over and eat Papa Murphey's veggie pizza with me?? It's only like, what, a 10 hour drive??

Cloudy- I like your name. Makes me think of Grumpy Bear (my fave!) Thanks. That means a lot to me to hear your say that. (Or see you type that...)

Leslie said...

I, too, think you are so funny and your blog is ever so much fun to read. We all go through these bouts with ourselves where we beat ourselves up. I think you really nailed it when you said that [we] don't really have lives that don't involve our husbands. We are what they come home to, and they are so lucky. And think how lucky we are that someone is coming home to us. Hurry up and meet some people at church before you get called into primary! :) hang in there!

s--max said...

awww....I'm sorry you're feeling down. If it were closer, I'd rush OTB over to ya. This is one of my favorites; so true ~ always keep it in mind. Behind every man is a great WOMAN! (and I don't mean his mother.) You are awesome ~ don't forget it. I love you!

AzĂșcar said...

You know, I'm more like Sei and my husband is more like you. I'm drawn to the people at the party that aren't talking, however, I know they've got something interesting to say if they can just get it out!

Most of my friends didn't know what to make of Joe because he's so quiet and observant in larger groups. My friend Melanee was the first to tell me, "I always want to sit next to Joe at a party--he says the funniest things, but just so quietly, people don't catch it, but he's hilarious."

So, I wouldn't think you were a dork at all. I just know that in most relationships there is a quieter one and a louder one. I like 'quieter in a large group' people because I'm the opposite!