Sunday, September 21, 2008

In which I b!tch and moan

I've been grumpy. I'm not even sure *why*?!?! I mean, I kind of know, but I'm not positive. Some of what I write will probably sound like I am bitter towards Sei- and I want to make sure that everyone knows that THAT is NOT the case. I love Seiuli♥. I am so proud of him. I respect him. I appreciate him and all his hard work. He is awesome. (I'm pretty sure I make my feelings known about him on a daily basis...)

Anyway... I guess I've been bummed. I am pretty lonely here. Yes, there is family near by, but realistically on average I see them once a week. I am home all day with not only Taj and Livie, but with the baby I watch daily & on some days a couple of other kids. I love being a mom. I do. But the daily, mundane crap I have to do has really gotten old. (I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way.) I think part of the reason it's gotten old is because I'm not sure how much it's noticed or appreciated. Sei treats me like a queen and my kids are awesome, but the fact of the matter is, moms don't get progress reports or praise or a paycheck for that matter! Seiuli has been training for months and months to be a police officer. And he has received all those things every step of the way. I was reading thru his progress reports for the last 17 weeks and I was so excited for him and so proud. But I was also thinking, "Does anyone know how good it would make me feel to get a little recognition- to have someone praise my hardwork? Someone give me a goldstar!!!" ;)

I'm also tired. I'm tired of being tired. I still don't sleep well when Sei is on nite shift. So atleast 3 nites a week I don't sleep well. This week it's been 7 nites because of his changing shift. I am suppose to sleep with my husband Monday, Tues., Wed. and Thurs. nite this week. But- a rich friend of Seiuli's called him and asked if he'd like to go to Hawaii with him (He's paying!) leaving Monday and coming home probably Friday this week. How can I tell Sei♥ "no"? I can't. I want him to go. I do. But I don't want to not get to sleep with him or see him for another week. I miss him. Because it pretty much seems like the only time I am completely happy is when I am with him. When I went to Oregon in August I almost didn't go to the airport that morning because I hadn't seen him all week and I knew when I'd get back he'd start his work shift again. I felt horrible for leaving. But his brother came into town so I knew he'd have fun. And I had fun. But I missed him immensely- especially with all the surfers and the vibe of the ocean... :(

I think I may be living vicariously thru him. He comes home and tells me his cop stories- chasing and tackling people, drunkards, silly 911 calls, etc... I don't wanna tell him, "Yeah- while you were doing all those exciting things I was playing Cash Cow on Webkinz." I feel like I have absolutely NOTHING to add to any conversations. Does he really wanna hear about how much hair I cleaned out of the tub drain or how I had found a few new casserole recipes? I highly doubt it. And honestly- I'm not jealous he's going to Hawaii. I think I'm more "Yeah- if my rich friend called me with the same offer I wouldn't be able to go because no one would be here to watch the kids." Men have it so easy.

Anyway... I'm not looking for compliments or whatever. I'm just b!tching because I feel b!tchy. Oh- and I also ran across a bunch of blogs written by women at church. From what I read I feel like if they read my blog then I would be shunned- although they've never really talked to me anyway so I wouldn't know I was being shunned to begin with. Yeah- I'm diggin' the chicks (and Omar) I hang with in the blogosphere. Y'all are ok with me callin' it how I see it and being the real me on my blog. I can post when I'm having a grumpy day. Or a sexy day. Or a silly day or a boring day and IT'S OK. I appreciate it. Now that I got all this off my chest I'm gonna go pout some more... and play Cash Cow on Webkinz.

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Mindi said...

hey! am i first?

Mindi said...

shut UP!~

i feel like i've won a VERY IMPORTANT PRIZEY.

tori, this is why i dig your action--don't you get sick of the blogs where it's ALWAYS love, and ALWAYS the best ever, EVAH to be a mother? i read one today that bless her heart--(you can always rip somebody a little if you start with bhh..) she was talking about how she loves to get up early every morning so she can have about an hour's time before her kids wake up to reflect and read and i was like "what the?" i can barely get my butt out of bed to get them off to school and do their hair and they better be dang old enough to make, YES, i know. and having a man whom you love be away from you for so much time is hard. but you are kickin' butt and taking names.

and i'll say "bitch" for you.....

glittersmama said...

I'm sorry you're feeling like crap right now. I'm not feeling extra commenty right now, so I'll just send some love from over here on the east coast.

And for the record, I would be so jealous if my husband got to go to Hawaii with a friend. You get major wife points for being okay with that.

Millie said...

Seriously. I don't know that I would be OK with it either.

We all know how much you love Sei. I don't know of another blogger who features her husband weekly on her blog. :) He's a good man and could probably use a trip to Hawaii but I totally get your feeling swept under the rug.

I don't have any advice, but I love you and hope something fun happens to YOU soon, too. You're a good girl and you deserve it.

Karina said...

I'm glad you have the "balls" to say what you feel. It's good to know that someone out there feels the same way I do. If I wasn't so drugged up with cold medicine right now I would probably say some cool words of wisdom, but for now be happy with "I feel ya, sister!"

Anonymous said...

Been there girl!
Hugs and hugs!
It will be okay.
Ala Grandmother

Suzanne said...

I'm the same way with pressing my hubby for details. When he goes out to eat with work (which he does a lot), I make him tell me about the entire evening, including a description of everything he ordered to eat. LOL! Somehow I feel better hearing about the fun stuff he gets to do.

I don't think men ever fully realize how hard the mundaneness of home is. Not that they are incapable of understanding, they just don't have to do it (generally) for long periods of time. You're right, some things are SO very unstimulating and repetetive.

I totally understand the feeling of missing out of stuff because I can't find/afford a babysitter.

I totally wish I was your rich friend, Tori. Then I'd take you to Hawaii with me. (And we would bring our hubbies too and doggone it, we would find babysitters somehow.) Someday maybe! Ha! ;D

S said...

DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! (except my husbands job is BORING.....we have had the exact same conversation for 13months) I just signed you up for Survivor "Bloggers gone wild"!!! To represent of course.

The morning tv show is showcasing the WHITE TRASH HANDBOOK. LOL

I heart MINDI! She is fo real!

swampbaby said...

I think the lack of sleep is the main culprit here. But I would be jealous about the trip, too! Heck, I get jealous when he gets a nap and I don't! Guys do have it easy in that regard.

And I hope you don't take this wrong, but you really do need to find something that you like to do just for you so you don't feel like your life centers around mundane things. You need to have something that challenges and stretches you, and gets you excited for the day. Because I think too many times moms look at staying home with their kids as a sentence that they have to bide their time through and then their "real" life will begin. But if you aren't doing anything now for yourself to improve yourself or challenge yourself, then what kind of "life" do you think you are going to fall into when the kids being home isn't an excuse anymore? You are still going to be bored, you are still going to feel like you have nothing to add to a conversation, you are still going to feel cheated out of life's experiences. You have to fill your bucket now or you will have nothing to give.

annie said...

I'm with ya'!!!

Yvonne said...

I'm sorry you're feeling bad right now.

I don't know of many women who wouldn't be jealous of their hubby going off to Hawaii. Sure you want him to go and have a good time, but then again you don't want him to go and have a good time. I think it's normal.)

I always think of the RS Declaration--and I can't remember if it's joy in motherhood and nobility in womanhood or the other way around, but some days it's hard to find that joy. Just remember that you are doing such a great work.


And, I'm sure glad you were there in Oregon so I could meet you.

PJ said...

I have dayz like that. Watching my husband excel in law school, while I excel at mopping the kitchen floor!

But being a Mom rocks, I love it.

Vent away! It's nice to see we're not alone in our highs and lows.

omar said...

Thanks for including me! :)

I did like my job, but after reading your post, I realize now that I'm a little let down about the fact that I've never gotten to tackle anyone at work (note that I work in computer support). Next time someone asks a question that I think they should know the answer to, I'm gonna try tackling them! I'll let you know how it goes.

And if it makes you feel any better, if I was rich and planning a trip to Hawaii, I wouldn't invite either one of you. That way, nobody would feel left out. That's how considerate I am.

In lieu of offering an easily misconstrued inter-gender hug, I'll offer a universally accepted high-five.


aurora said...

So, I guess it is in the air right now. I am feeling lowly and frustrated and am glad that I am not the only one, but I am sorry that you are having a crummy, grumpy day.
I went out to eat chinese with my 3 year-old, just to ease it a bit. And hey, you should try Mongolian Beef. It worked wonders- well, at least for about an hour. ;)
Hang in there!

JustRandi said...

You just plan yourself a trip to Colorado. I figure Oregon + Colorado = Hawaii.
I promise to let you sleep as much as you want, and then we'll go get pedicures.
You'll be a new woman.

Being a mom is HARD work, and the recognition moments are so few and far between.

Hang in there. You're doing great.

Nobody said...

Nobody loves Tori.

You've spoken for many here.

And removing hair from the drain is way more exciting than you are giving it credit.

And really. Nobody loves you.

Klin said...

I have been there. I love being a mom. I did however find myself in a rut, often. When Allen had to work out of state I decided that I would do more than stay home and be a mom. It's got pros and cons.

For the record, I admire you as a mom. If no one else appreciates how much hair you cleaned out of the drain, how much the vacuum held, or how heaping full the garbages were, I do. I'm pretty sure that most of your readers do appreciate all that.

I hear ya, though. I want you to know that. *Fist bump*


omar said...

The fist bump! I wish I would have thought of that!

No Cool Story said...

Bacon fist bump!

It's funny because when I think of you I see super Rad Tori doing all kind of awesome mom/wife/girl power things.

Doing the right thing is not always glamorous :D

You are a good woman yo.
I always want my Daily Hero to do fun things even without me, to eat a fun restaturants and to see things he'll enjoy. Thanks to his work an effort aI get to stay home to mop the floors and wash the laundry!

*Care Bear Stare*

S said...

I tell you tori you have some of the craziest friends in the world! Love all around. I want to put another cent in to the pile. I agree with sis swampbaby. Get some sleep. If you have to rent-a-hot-cop to sleep do it!!! BTW come to KC its just like Hawaii I have been told!


Some of the sisters at Church have discovered my blog. Some have liked, loved it, linked it! Others act like they've had to take a bath in antibacterial soap after looking at the filthiness of The Smiling Infidel.

YOU, Tori, are keeping it real. Fo real!

I've got a bad case of blahs too. 9 days without power, house damage, total loss of fridge contents and other annoyances will do that to you.

Tori :) said...

Y'all are awesome. Thanks. Hugs, high fives and fist bumps all around!!!

Jillsywillsy said...

2 questions....

1) Are you open to internet stalkers with time off and free flight privliges to come visit you with thier 1-year-old?

2) Are you closer to Love Field or DFW?

Jillsywillsy said...


aubrey said...

tori, i LOVE that you keep it real on your blog. and of course we know how much you adore sei, you absolutely don't need a disclaimer to remind us. bummer that you're feeling bummed out and bitchy. hang in there..times will change. are you involved with church and stuff? or playgroups? or can you not do that with your babysitting gigs? just trying to think of ways to help...((hugs)) i heart you!

Physcokity said...

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling not so...satisfied (and by satisfaction I'm not referring to the "dirty" kind).

I'm glad you keep it real here. It makes me want to keep coming back b/c I know I can relate in some ways...that and I love your stories!

It's gotta be rough to miss somebody you love so much. :(

Yes life gets overly mundane...sometimes more than I'd like to acknowledge...this is partly why I blog and read other people's blogs.

Hobbies anyone?

Physcokity said...

Bacon fist bump wins!

No Cool Story said...

Bacon care bear fist bump!!

Tori :) said...

I'm always up for visiting friends. I am about 25-30 minutes from DFW. Love Field is about 40-45 min. from me.

Lauren said...

a sexy expound ;) haha

I am sorry you were feeling sadd-ish. I would give you a gold star if I had enough money to buy a pad of stickers. Just remember Lauren thinks you are awesome...and thinks you have the cutest voice in teh world...or even all the internets!

Lauren said...

I am glad you keep it real...because you are real cool. gah...I am foolish.

That girl said...

I think you are an awesome example to all of us.