Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Zen of Sarcasm

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique.. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

**PS. FYI I wrote another post before this, so if you love me you'll read it too. Also, very random, but if you are in need of a pulse oximeter check out portablenebs.com.

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17 comments:

Stacey said...

Those made me giggle! I love the first one!

Brooke said...

Ok, I really enjoyed those. They were super funny.

Yvonne said...

I LOVED those. Thanks.

Physcokity said...

I love it. I might just have to try out the "wise investment" and see if it actually works!

MommyJ said...

Love the one about walking a mile in someone's shoes. So funny!

Beckie said...

Howdy, fellow Texan! I love sarcasm, and your post made my day! I have to admit, I creeped a few times from Nobo's site, and you have a great blog! No wonder Nobody loves you soooo, sooo very much!

Beckie said...

Oh AND I love the bandana in the profile picture! Very Rock of Love-ish. Sorry it's a guilty pleasure. That show makes me feel good about myself! ;)

Beckie said...

Oh AND I love the bandana in the profile picture! Very Rock of Love-ish. Sorry it's a guilty pleasure. That show makes me feel good about myself! ;)

Klin said...

Definite words of wisdom. Loved them all. I will attest that they are true. Skydiving is not for me.

*smooches*

Yvonne said...

Those are GREAT. I love #5 ; )

Lauren said...

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Very wise.

Amanda said...

Why would Nobody care if you missed your car payments? Is she going to pay them for you? She is nice like that.....

sogratefultobemormon.wordpress.com said...

haha tori,
you made me giggle. thanks doll.

skydiving. hehehe.

never miss a good chance to ... hehehe

thanks, needed a laugh.

PS. and ~E is still doing so awesome. and after her home visit with us (likely now at the end of the month for one week), she will move into the advanced facility for the teens who get more freedom/priveleges because they have earned it and she will likely stay there all the way until she finally comes home for good, likely december still. it has been such a blessing to see her change of heart grow into something so much better. thanks for rooting for her. you rawk. you always rawk :)

Leatha said...

lol that made me laugh. Hi Tori! Cute blog! We haven't seen you guys in a long time. Your kids are adorable as ever, love the family pic. Marei says hi too, especially to Seiuli. It's good to "see" you guys and know you are doing well!

Nancy Face said...

These are just great! My very favorite is #9! :D

Momma Magpie said...

These were great!

No Cool Story said...

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

Ah yes, my new motto.