Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Down in the dumps

Ok- not really. I'm not down in the dumps. It was a play on the word "dump." This post is about pooping and if you have a weak stomach or love me and don't want to stop loving me then DO NOT READ IT.

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Ok, you were warned. Last nite Sei and I are lying in bed, um, talking, and out of the blue Sei says, "I hate going to the bathroom at work."

Um, ok. I'm a dork and I asked why and he starts explaining how it's a pain to take off his pants with his belt/gun attached and with his radio hooked to the thingy over his shoulder, blah, blah, blah. Oh- gotcha.

So I answered this simple solution, "Well, just hold it til you get home."

"I can't HOLD it for hours!!"

Ok, I'm gonna brag y'all. I told y'all about my mad bladder control skillz. Well, it's not just bladder control. Seriously.

I asked Sei, "Why can't you, you weirdo?! I held it for like 3 weeks."

"THREE WEEKS???"

"Um, yeah."

"Why?? That is so bad for you."

"Because I was in juvie for like 10 days and I never knew when they were gonna do checks and I'm not gonna be sittin' on my toilet, takin' a dump, when they peek in the window. And then we only got like 2 minutes to shower, so I didn't have time then..."

(I wonder if it was weirder for Sei to hear me say, "I was in juvie..." or the whole "3 weeks" thing...)

Sei was lookin' at me like I was crazy as I continued,

"And from there I got sent to *Anasazi and I wasn't real comfortable with takin' a dump behind a tree, so I held it for over a week..."

That's a true story.

In fact, when I was going to Anasazi they took me to a doctor 1st to have some tests run and I needed to pee in a cup. I couldn't. I drank. And drank. And drank. Hadn't peed in hours and I COULD NOT pee. I held up the whole group for 3 hours until I finally peed. I am so surprised my kidneys, bladder, intestines, what have you, are not totally screwed up.

The end.

*Anasazi is a wilderness survival camp for troubled teens. You can read more about my time here.

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29 comments:

Shelby Lou said...

FIRST!!!!

Shelby Lou said...

you went to juvie??? hmm.. i held mine for like 3 days... i know thats nothing near 3 weeks but HEY im just new to this whole thing...

hmmm...

Camille said...

You were in juvie?! I wanna hear this story!

Tori :) said...

Yes I was in juvie and no, you don't wanna hear the story...

Mikelene said...

Flying White Cloud/Texas:
Ok, so I went back, clicking on all the links, & read about your summer wilderness camp. Holy cow! My friend's brother went to one in UT. It didn't help him. Holding it for 3 days while at girls' camp was hard enough for me (the plumbing went out & they dug a communal latrine--no thank you). I can't imagine holding it any longer than that. And you went on to have 5 babies! Wow! Kegel muscles of steel!

Mikelene said...

Almost forgot:
That bottom right picture made me LOL. Who does that?!? And the middle right pic is the way they use 'em in China. I didn't know you could fish in the toilet. Not that I'd want to eat anything I caught. Who prays on the toilet?

Lauren said...

3 weeks of holding in crap and you didn't have to get your appendix removed?! That's a miracle!

Wait, I knew about the anasazi...but not about the Juvi. Please do tell...

Lauren said...

Crap! (no pun intended)
I should have read the comments first. I am lame spice. OK, so yes, you went to Juvie.

I held it for 5 days once. Who likes to poop at girl's camp? Not I.

Karina said...

Tori, you're so tough even your insides are tough! I lived in the ghetto in Brooklyn. Does that count as being tough?

Jillsywillsy said...

When I was in first grade, I didn't want to poop at school so I held it for many, many days. My parents had to give me an enima. I learned to never hold it in after that, well for days at least. I do everything I can to not have to go (1 or 2) on the plane, so I do hold it for hours.

Amanda said...

3 weeks!?! Holy crap! :)

I usually hold it when we travel. I hate sitting on someone elses toliet. Who knows how clean it is!

chellie said...

You're lucky you don't get infections... I've heard of that happening with people that hold it!

Juvie?? haha... Anasazi?? haha... what did you do?

BJ Conner said...

I found your blog last night...i couldnt stop reading!! alot of the stuff made me giggle b/c i remember it like it was yesterday. I'm glad you found that perfect man you always dreamed of!

aurora said...

So I pop over here after I hadn't been by in a while... and oh, what a post to pop in on!!!
wow.
That's amazing. all.of.it!

Yvonne said...

I appreciate the laugh ; )

I'm not very good at holding it ; )

Klin said...

I don't hold it. You are amazing. I love poop stories. Thanks for making me laugh.

No Cool Story said...

See? Don't mess wiht Tori she can hold it for 3 weeks and still whoop you!

Daily Hero is always shocked when I rather hold it than having to use a non NCS approved facility, or the wilderness.

No Cool Story said...

That guy in the last picture has some serious problems.

Tori :) said...

For the record- I don't STILL hold it for weeks or days... I mean, I never poop. What was I thinking? I am revealing my secret!

swampbaby said...

Um,I'm your sister and I don't think I wanted to know any of this....

S said...

I think its time for some more Juvie?

omar said...

Heh, Tori poops.

Note to self: Don't ever get into a poop-holding contest with Tori.

I had to take a prescription muscle relaxer for a back problem a few years ago, and I didn't poop for over a week. It apparently wasn't a problem for my body, but it was mentally traumatic.

Nobody said...

That diagram of how to use a toilet is disturbing. I mean, those things are made because it's been an issue, am I right?

My colon hurt after reading this.

JustRandi said...

Hey, I had no idea of your Anasazi/ juvie past.

And did you know that "Anasazi" is no longer politically correct? Last time we went to Mesa Verde, we were informed that the proper term is now Ancestral Puebloans.


Just helpin' out where I can.

Kimberly said...

Ha Ha! I just busted out laughing when I read this. I have the same "talent". When I was in Africa for a month, I only pooped once... I went almost 3 weeks in one spell. The other missionaries were REAL worried that I was going to get some sort of infection and die. And I CAN'T go when I'm travelling on business. Like seriously. Short trips are good, but when I'm gone for like 5 days I'm really grumpy by the time I get back and run straight to the bathroom. TMI, but laughing cause I've NEVER met anyone that is like me in "this area"...

Knot said...

Loved the wilderness story. I can poop anywhere. Let someone else pay the water bill.


Knot

ucmama said...

Well, since no one else used this joke...
so, you're saying you were really full of s**t when you were a teenager?

My hubby was sent to Anasazi, but I asked him and he said he didn't mind pooping anywhere.

Nancy Face said...

I never get tired of reading about poop.

aubrey said...

holy crap. pun intended. i need to learn your secret. my one and only question is how you can do that after PUSHING CHILDREN out of you. how? how? my control of all things is just completely kaput. it's rather sad.