Monday, March 16, 2009

In which I may sound like Uncle Rico or like I'm high

WARNING: This post is all over the place!!




No, I have no desire to go "back in '82." I'd only be 6... But seriously. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself and past choices. Now I know, I know... those choices "made me who I am today." Yeah, yeah, yeah Whatever. I'm not even talking about the choices that got me sent to Anasazi. I was 14-15 when that all went down. I'm talking about choices from age 16 up. Choices that had me married before I was 18. Choices that made me a mom before I was 19. Ugh.

And although I was rebellious and did my share of partyin' in high school, honestly I didn't do all that much that other kids weren't doing. The stuff I was doing wouldn't have been a big deal if I wasn't LDS. But I am LDS so it was a big deal apparently. I partied some, but not near as much as other kids. You know why? Because I was going to school and then working 30+ hours a week. I was like a mini-adult in high school. I get so bugged at myself for marrying that loser at such a young age and for such a mature reason: I wanted to prove to my parents he loved me. Holy stupid. 6 more months - tops- and I would have dumped him and moved to Utah with my sister to get away. Then I would have met Sei because my sister managed the apartments that Sei's good friend lived in. See... it would have all worked out. ;)

I never had those fun college years. I attended college- yes- but only part time and had to rush to pick up my kiddos from my mom after class. I've never had any "me" years. Don't get me wrong- I absolutely LOVE my family. I am so thankful for my kids and I am 100,000% in love with Seiuli. But sometimes I feel a tinge of jealousy towards Sei. He did everything right if you take away his 1st marriage. He stayed out of trouble in high school, had awesome fun college years at Ricks before BYU, served a mission and picked up skills that will serve him thru out his life, has cool surfing skills, computer hacking skills, and now he has this awesome job that always has new things going on- never the same day twice. Soooo opposite of my life. The only thing that changes on a daily basis for me is how many poopy diapers I'll change- and now the poopy diapers aren't even MY kids!! And people say "Well, stop watching kids..." Well, I'd love to but we need to money right now. I'm trying to finish my medical transcriptionist course but it's slow going when you only get 20 spare minutes to do anything in a day- and that's usually in the bathroom. (I'm typing this from the toilet... btw)

I'm just bored with the mundane things in life. I told Sei that I would totally be ok with us selling everything, moving to a 3 bedroom apartment and using all the money we'd save monthly to take little weekend trips with the family. Or to rent wakeboards or visit museums, explore caves or whatever. I just want to LIVE LIFE NOW. And I'm serious- I would be fine. Who decides how big a house people need? We have 4 bedrooms and honestly our kids sleep where ever the heck they want to. Half the time we have 3 kids piled on a sofa sleeper in the living room. Idk why- they just like to. When Kelsea and Karlea visit we have 5 or 6 kids sleeping in one room with 2 empty bedrooms. And I'm ok with that. Why do we need 2800 sq feet? We don't. Why did we buy furniture for the upstairs living area? No one sits on the couch. They all lay around on the floor. We don't need it. We bought it because the room was empty. Who cares? Why is empty bad? Why do I have to paint the walls a different color? Does it matter? I'm not knockin' on people who decorate- it's just not my thing. So why do I have to pretend it is? Does that make sense.

I know I am sooooo rambling. I'm just bored. Bored and tired of trying to live how "everyone else" lives. I want change. Not Obama change. Change in MY life, my home, my feelings about life. I want to live the way I feel we should live. Sei agrees with me. He's game. I'm just a chicken. The question is: Are we brave enough to make that jump? I can talk about it over and over. We can talk it to death. But it doesn't change anything unless we're willing to go for it. We talked about it a lot last nite and have decided we're gonna start by cutting corners and saving to take a weekend trip once a month. It doesn't have to be overnite or anything, but we are going as a family SOMEWHERE. We could drive to Oklahoma City to visit the bombing memorial. We could go to the Riverwalk in San Antonio. There's tons of places in the DFW area that are free or aren't expensive. It doesn't have to be anything major- we can look at blooming Apricot trees and have a picnic. Just something out of the "norm." We're gonna stop waiting for us to win the lottery or for Liv to get older, etc.... We're gonna start small before we sell the house and move to the hut on the beach.

And I realize this post sounds like I'm on drugs. I blame that on my "partyin'" days. :P

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21 comments:

glittersmama said...

I so get this.

Yvonne said...

Family getaways sound great and you are right that they don't have to be anything big.

Leatha said...

I'm so glad I read your blog today. We live in one room in a ginormous house full of broken furniture and sleep on 2 mattresses on the floor, and have never been happier. We go on picnics and walks and do other things - because yes, we get amazing opportunities because we live here in the Philippines right now, but it's not the location. It's the change in mentality. Most of what we do for fun we can do there. We're going back to the States in a few weeks, to an uncertain economy, no definite income, and a furniture-less house - all things that might have stressed me out once upon a time. But now I just feel like, you know, it will all work out, and you know what? If we lose our house, or whatever else that could happen does - I'll still be able to lay on a blanket next to my husband on a grassy hill somewhere and watch my kids chase each other around. What more could I want? We're happy and healthy and we have the gospel. I guess what I am trying to say is DO it! After having had this amazing year of spending time like this together, I would sacrifice anything to have these moments again. It's so freeing to know that when we go back we're not leaving the simple life we've learned to have here behind.
Great, I am the one who sounds like I'm on drugs, not you! :)

Shelby Lou said...

sell the couch in the living room and buy a ton of pillows from DI recover them with nice fabric, and wah-la you have a nice room.. oh and you can use the extra money to buy some iceblocks at the corner store and go ice blocking down the hill at the park.

LOVED this post.

omar said...

1) I didn't need to know that you wrote this from the toilet.

2) Around this time of year, I always feel like I'm not doing enough with my life. I blame it on winter temperatures and the lack of sunshine (I'll stop short of calling it full-blown seasonal depression). Every year, I find that I unintentionally end up throwing myself into some new hobby or activity this time of year as a result. There was blogging (april 2005), woodworking (late winter 2006), tennis (march 2007), and now guitar. Granted, I have 71% fewer children than you do and no after school activities yet, so it's a bit easier for me to find time for hobbies.

3) #2 was only tangentially related to your post, but it felt like an appropriate thing to share.

4) Maybe you'd feel better if you took a break from the recreational drugs?

5) #4 was thrown in because I don't like to be too serious.

JustRandi said...

We never go anywhere either. But it's mostly because we're lazy. My family never wants to set aside the time. And forcing them to do it is hard. Once they do it, they have a great time. But it's too hard on me to just get everyone to succumb to the outing in the first place.
See? lazy.

Sarah said...

I'm a huge advocate of following your heart and gambling on yourself. Just think of all the things that you have done that were risky but DID work out (like moving to utah and meeting sei) and then think of what life would be like if you hadn't taken that first step. It doesn't have to be so extreme as selling the house and getting a hut ;-) But there is one truth to following the strong urges in our hearts...they definitely bring change. Good or bad, come what may, think of the leaps that you have taken that got you to were you are now. Are you willing to gamble again? Or can you live with the inevitable "what if"?

Walker said...

You should do it. Lissette is really pushing for similar things like vacations and such. Maybe she doesn't want to end up being a poor sap that listens to Delilah. :-) Oh, wait! She already does!

Kimberly said...

oh yeah, I've been there. I too got married at 18 and had Gage when I wasn't quite 20. That relationship failed so I married my x at 22!?! And with that marriage inherited 3 step children. I was a mother of 5 at the age of 26!? What?! I got to live in the big house and have the nice cars but it still sucked. It's only been in the last couple of years that I really feel like I have me time. I used to get down that I spent my entire 20s being a grown up - never got to be a normal college kid or go thru that perios of "finding myself". I had to get college done so I could get a job. Anyway, you are on the right track. None of that material stuff matters. Weekend get-aways is an awesome idea and you're right, it doesn't have to be something big - just time to get away with the fam. Maybe Omar is right, maybe it's the time of year cause I seem to feel like this every now and then too. Thanks for sharing - there are a lot of us that feel the same things! I'm looking forward to hearing about all the upcoming plans that you'll be making.

PS - tell Sei to keep trying on the FB page. I don't have a my space (can't get on with my work computer and it's blocked at home cause of the kiddos), but I would love to see all his stuff!

Karina said...

I feel Ya! Jared and I would like to move to the country and live on a farm or a hut by the beach where we can step outside and feel the sand between our toes. One day.

Mrs. Organic said...

This is the time of year, every single year, when I get the itch to go on a road trip somewhere warm and sunny - like the beach.

S said...

I think if you came to clean my hosue you would feel better! Whatta ya say?

I couldn't say ditto more in one blog if I tried. Except the "drugs", I was too chicken. But anyhow I was single for five years between marriages and still didn't have fun. No kid meant pick up extra hours at work. So silly. I hold on to the fact that Oprah says life begins at forty. (Darn it my baby will only be 3)
I am so bored with life right now I wonder what is wrong with me. Now thanks to you I see we are normal. Smaller houses rock, go for that if you can.

No Cool Story said...

I am dissapointed that Omar didn't mention how much he loves that video :(
I know you were laughing Omar!

No Cool Story said...

(((Hey, this is why we need a girls' weekend ;))))

And now, Serious NCS:
-Oh my beloved Twin don't I know it. I did the same stupid thing at 21, I didn't do what I had planned to do with my life ever since I can remember...I dropped out of medical school, dumb!

-Just last week I had to tell myself "That's so lame, it's so over and old", I mostly torture myself with all the stupid stuff that happened and I didn't change until it was too late.

-"...because my sister managed the apartments that Sei's good friend lived in" AAAAH! See? stuff like that. Oh man.

-I wish I hadn't been so stubborn and just becuase all your friends have the hots for a guy doesn't mean you should marry him to feel superior to them. IDIOT!

Suzanne said...

Oh Tori, I can totally relate to this post. I had just one year on my own before getting married. I know it was my choice to marry young, but once in awhile I still think about fun "young and foolish" things I missed out on. And I wish we did more things together as a family. It seems like Saturdays are just chore days around here. I ache to travel someplace, even if it's just little things like you mentioned. We should start a fun list of things to do and start checking them off! :)

Nancy Face said...

If you pack brown bag lunches like the cheapskate Face family does, then little local trips can be REALLY affordable (cheap)! :D

Heidi said...

Great post!! I think sometimes we live life just to live it and we forget why we are here, to have JOY!! I think it's great that you are actually going to do something about it. It's never too late to make a change. I can't wait to hear about your monthly adventures!! You go girl!!

NOBODY said...

Well, things would be different if you'd taken state Tori. I'm just sayin'.

aubrey said...

i am ALL for change. and living life. and being adventurous. DO IT. DO IT!!!

Physcokity said...

Maybe you should retitle this blog or at least give it a new motto?

"No blog is finished 'til the paperwork is done" With a candid shot of a port-o-potty...

yeah sorry about that last part. Once I got going on that train I couldn't stop myself ;)

Physcokity said...

Times being such as they are, I don't blame you for wanting to simplify as much as possible to spend QT(quality time) with the family. I myself have vasilated(sp?) on this. I want to minimize the possessions, and let me tell you, having to cram everything you own into a sedam will definitely help, but sadly I've always been a stuff kinda person. Sorry for the post type comment, but I could definitely conversate on the subject...in case you couldn't tell ;)