Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Today

As I lay in bed trying to get Livie to sleep last nite I found myself thinking about what tomorrow (today) would bring. I could already feel it would be a crappy day. My step-daughters are headed home to Canada today after being here for almost 5 weeks. Tristan, Alec and Isabel are back with the ex for the last 12 days of their summer visitation. And it's been 12 years since my little sister,  Nicole died. In the past when I've written on this anniversary I kept it reflective on her and her life. But this year... Idk, I feel bitter. There's a few things that have happened in the past regarding Nicole's death that pissed me off and I never responded to any of these things. I'm responding now in hopes of it somehow helping me feel better, to heal.

* At a grief support meeting I went to with my mom a man asked "Do siblings even grieve?" My mom answered kind of by saying that she knew siblings grieved because she had to carry some of the grief of her younger children. I think I was too stunned to even answer. My heart was crushed and literally hurt in my chest and this man was asking if we grieve?!? So to that man and anyone else who wonders if siblings grieve here is my answer: YES. Yes we grieve. And we all grieve differently. I'm a more private person (not that you'd gather that from my blog.) When it came to crying or wailing, I preferred to do it alone. Grieving is very personal and there is no "right" way. We not only grieve for the loss of our sibling, we grieve for the loss of the parents we knew. We grieve for the loss of the futures we had planned with that sibling. Yes sir, we grieve.

And just to be clear- as a parent I know that the grief a person feels for the loss of the sibling is no where near the grief a parent feels after the loss of a child. I KNOW that. I also know the pain I felt and still carry, and I realize it's only a small glimpse into what a parent would feel after losing a child.

* A girl who knew Nicole, and had been close to her at one point in her life told me, "When Nicole died it was like my sister died." To her I would say... no it wasn't. Is New Years Day lame because the birthday girl is missing? Is it weird to take family pictures at Christmas because not everyone is there? No. It wasn't like your sister died. I understand close friendships. I really, really do. But I also know your relationship with Nicole, and no, it wasn't like your sister died.

* Another girl who Nicole knew, but was not even close to being best friends with- at all- stood up in church in January 1998 and said, "Yesterday was the 1st birthday of my best friend since she died..." I hate how everyone becomes the "best friend" of a person after their death.  Nicole's "best friends" were Emily and John. Plain and simple. And I'm really sorry that 1st birthday of Nicole sucked for you. Did you think about my parents and maybe give them a call?  I'm pretty sure that birthday sucked a lot more for them. I remember that 1st birthday after she died. My parents and siblings went to Nicole's grave and released balloons. I didn't go because my husband (now ex) decided to leave me to go play paintball while I was bawling my eyes out on the couch. I didn't want to be an emotional wreck in front of my family because I'm private like that, so I didn't go. What did you do that day?

There. I feel better I think. Bitter? Yes. Harsh? Yeah, ok. I miss Nicole. The last few months, for some reason, have been hard. I looked thru some old letters she wrote me when I was out in the wilderness. It made me miss her more. I am thankful I AM her sister. And if I don't screw this up, I can be with her forever. :)n761766682_917872_89

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