Saturday, September 11, 2010

"You whine like a mule. You are still alive."

September 11, 2001 is a date none of us will ever forget- at least we shouldn't. It changed all of us to some extent. I know that day all I wanted was to be married to Seiuli. We were engaged, but now it seemed more important for him to be my husband. We eloped Sept. 14, 2001. I am proud to be an American and I am so grateful for our troops and their sacrifice. But I think over the years although never forgetting 9/11, I didn't do all the things I told myself I would after that day. I was going to be a better person, a better mom, an awesome wife, a great Christian... my existence was going to matter and make a difference. 9 years later I know I haven't lived up to those plans. I am struggling with my relationship with God. Not because He pulled away from me, but because I pulled away from Him. I was angry for our trials last year of being sued by both exes, not seeing my step-daughters for over a year, blaming God for our move to Texas and hating it here. I felt like he had left our family and now I know that's not true. He never leaves.

Today as I took the kids to the airport to greet the returning troops I thought about my life and how I've managed to screw it up. I've been thinking about it a lot the last few weeks and slowly I've been trying to adjust my attitude. I've been reading the scriptures. I've opened up to Sei about my struggling- which he could already see. Apparently my fake smile doesn't work on him... ;) But then today, after watching videos of 9/11 news reports, etc... it hit me: I have been so selfish and self-absorbed.  It makes me think of that quote on Robin Hood that Morgan Freeman says to Kevin Costner (and I say to my kids all.the.time),  "You whine like a mule. You are still alive."  I AM still alive. I have a 2nd chance (or more like 4,000th chance) to make this right! To live right! I wonder how many of the people in the Twin Towers had plans to live a better life? The fallen firemen,  police men, soldiers? They don't have that chance. I do.  So, I am officially ending the Tori Pity Party. It's not going to be easy. I still have a lot of pain and anger to work thru. But now I've decided to let God help me thru it. He wants to, I just have to ask.

How lame is it that it took 3000+ people dying 9 years ago and thousands of soldiers dying in war to get my head on straight? :(

God bless the victims of 9/11. God bless the soldiers. And God bless America.