I’ve been grumpy. I’m not even sure *why*?!?! I mean, I kind of know, but I’m not positive. Some of what I write will probably sound like I am bitter towards Sei- and I want to make sure that everyone knows that THAT is NOT the case. I love Seiuli?. I am so proud of him. I respect him. I appreciate him and all his hard work. He is awesome. (I’m pretty sure I make my feelings known about him on a daily basis…)

Anyway… I guess I’ve been bummed. I am pretty lonely here. Yes, there is family near by, but realistically on average I see them once a week. I am home all day with not only Taj and Livie, but with the baby I watch daily & on some days a couple of other kids. I love being a mom. I do. But the daily, mundane crap I have to do has really gotten old. (I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling this way.) I think part of the reason it’s gotten old is because I’m not sure how much it’s noticed or appreciated. Sei treats me like a queen and my kids are awesome, but the fact of the matter is, moms don’t get progress reports or praise or a paycheck for that matter! Seiuli has been training for months and months to be a police officer. And he has received all those things every step of the way. I was reading thru his progress reports for the last 17 weeks and I was so excited for him and so proud. But I was also thinking, “Does anyone know how good it would make me feel to get a little recognition- to have someone praise my hardwork? Someone give me a goldstar!!!”

I’m also tired. I’m tired of being tired. I still don’t sleep well when Sei is on nite shift. So atleast 3 nites a week I don’t sleep well. This week it’s been 7 nites because of his changing shift. I am suppose to sleep with my husband Monday, Tues., Wed. and Thurs. nite this week. But- a rich friend of Seiuli’s called him and asked if he’d like to go to Hawaii with him (He’s paying!) leaving Monday and coming home probably Friday this week. How can I tell Sei? “no”? I can’t. I want him to go. I do. But I don’t want to not get to sleep with him or see him for another week. I miss him. Because it pretty much seems like the only time I am completely happy is when I am with him. When I went to Oregon in August I almost didn’t go to the airport that morning because I hadn’t seen him all week and I knew when I’d get back he’d start his work shift again. I felt horrible for leaving. But his brother came into town so I knew he’d have fun. And I had fun. But I missed him immensely- especially with all the surfers and the vibe of the ocean…

I think I may be living vicariously thru him. He comes home and tells me his cop stories- chasing and tackling people, drunkards, silly 911 calls, etc… I don’t wanna tell him, “Yeah- while you were doing all those exciting things I was playing Cash Cow on Webkinz.” I feel like I have absolutely NOTHING to add to any conversations. Does he really wanna hear about how much hair I cleaned out of the tub drain or how I had found a few new casserole recipes? I highly doubt it. And honestly- I’m not jealous he’s going to Hawaii. I think I’m more “Yeah- if my rich friend called me with the same offer I wouldn’t be able to go because no one would be here to watch the kids.” Men have it so easy.

Anyway… I’m not looking for compliments or whatever. I’m just b!tching because I feel b!tchy. Oh- and I also ran across a bunch of blogs written by women at church. From what I read I feel like if they read my blog then I would be shunned- although they’ve never really talked to me anyway so I wouldn’t know I was being shunned to begin with. Yeah- I’m diggin’ the chicks (and Omar) I hang with in the blogosphere. Y’all are ok with me callin’ it how I see it and being the real me on my blog. I can post when I’m having a grumpy day. Or a sexy day. Or a silly day or a boring day and IT’S OK. I appreciate it. Now that I got all this off my chest I’m gonna go pout some more… and play Cash Cow on Webkinz.